When you reach 80, you think you can still do everything for yourself. Oh sure, you have given up some things like perhaps driving. My mom was a speed typist. She never gave away her pride in being able to type. The 120 words per minute when she was younger made me feel small. She was a rocket on the keys. I wondered if her hands would catch fire. No one could move their fingers like that!
Now her fingers don't move at all. There is nothing more, just memories. That part of life goes on. Thankfully, she knew about my life before she died. My dad did not. He knew Linda was out of my life but never knew my current spouse would be there. I do not think he would have approved of me marrying again and he would have preferred that I made amends with my former wife. I know that deep inside. He would not have appreciated me marrying someone from a different country nor someone who spoke Spanish. But mother would have intervened to support whatever I did. She wanted me to choose a path that included the Christadelphian religion. After coming back and being addressed in the way I was, I knew that I could not do that. I remembered how I felt about the self righteous attitude over the attitude of giving in love. So I could not find myself doing as she wished, even for a short time. I feel bad about that. Why couldn't I sacrifice for her? I guess because I did that when I was young and tried to find my ideal in different ecclesias. Deep down inside I knew there was not another qualifying group among doctrines, but I did not like the internalization of the group and afterward considered the group as a whole as a cult. That is not a negative thing in itself, it is just how God's word was used to exclude people. I felt the whole ideal of God's family was missed and the group prided itself in the wrong thing - doctrine and righteous "pathing". Instead I felt the group should have been sensitive to the strays with tolerance and patience. The path was too narrow and there was little tolerance.
I always wanted to please my mother. It was matter of her quality of life. Her children were everything to her. When I went to Kazakhstan, I tried to get to see my dad and my mom every time I returned. I had never done that before. I felt that God had given me something and I needed to use at least some of it for their benefit. My mom was lonely in Glen Rose but that was the way she chose for herself. She had her church and when close brethren moved away, she made friends and attended other services in addition to her own tapes and studies. My dad and her met together to praise God. I was so proud of them for doing that.
So now, my mother remains in my life. It hurts to see her but it also give me joy that she lived here and I was part of her and her life. She gave me life and I will never forget that. She had high expectations of me and I have always tried to fulfill those. She loved all her children. She talked about Vella Jean, my half sister, shortly before my mom passed. She wanted us to keep her close to us. And that I intend to do. Vella is a person I have always loved but never retained at my side. She is special and her daughter, my niece, was very special to my mom and dad when my folks lived in North Carolina and Glen Rose. My niece inspired me to run even today, I attribute my desire to excel to that lovely and vivacious girl, now a woman and mom.
So happy birthday mom. I will tell you so in facebook also. You have been an inspiration to us all. You will continue to have a significant impact on me for the rest of my short days.
I was so glad you never had to face the death of any of your children. I never wanted to see you suffer through that.
We love you birthday girl!
